I'm trying VERY hard to Keep Calm and Carry On. You see here's the deal, I saw Super Surgeon Dude today about my little nemesis the abscess w/ fistula. And here's a list of what came out of the appointment and subsequent research and discussions.
- I regretfully had to inform him after his question, "How are you Al, better?" that "I really wish I could answer that question yes, but I can't." Boo!
- He said more to thin air than directly to me that these things just really very rarely happen and that he will just never know why it did or what made it occur. To which I was saying in my head, "That's great I didn't ask, who cares the only thing that matters now is that it has happened."
- He then began his typical poking and prodding in my little stoma area, fun times. He first said he really wished he could see things and two seconds later he declared it was definitely smaller (side note he has said that every time I've been there, and there seems to be no real change.)
- He then said WE, notice the WE, needed to be patient and let it resolve on it's own. To which I asked, "I know you said this rarely happens, but when it does and they have lasted this long do they normally actually heal themselves." He stammered for a few seconds and then said, not very convincingly, that yes they did. Um, sorry don't know if I believe.
- He also said that if he went in surgically to look around he could cause more damage than not going in at all.
- The appt took all of five seconds and I have to go back and see him again in three weeks. GRRR.
- Since my appt I've talked about my frustration and tried to figure out how I'm really feeling about all this. My dear friend M, who graciously packed up her two sweet munchkins and drove me down to SD to my appt, said something very poignant, "Al you don't have to be ok with this, and of course you are probably scared because for two years you had people tell you things were going to get better and they never did, so why would you believe now especially since this isn't going away?"
- When I got home I talked to my amazing K-pouch friends and did some more online research and outreach and here's what I've come up with:
- Antibiotics actually don't cure abscesses, they just stop the spread of infection
- Many abscesses and fistulas don't ever heal themselves and they may just be around, especially if they have been around for a while
- I need to talk to my GI and possibly another surgeon about abscesses and fistulas
- My body still hates me and sucks!
Super Surgeon Dude is stumped, obviously, and not ready totally throw in the towel but doesn't seem to have any other solutions. Now don't get me wrong, I am SO glad I had the surgery with him. Having the k-pouch has already made things so much better and I LOVE my KP, but this road block is really hindering my overall regaining of strength. And my continued decline in confidence in my body is infuriating.
This is ALL we know. We don't know why he is taking the road he is. We don't know why this is happening. It all just is.
So for now lets all Keep Calm and Carry On. Or do what I'm doing and when I start getting pissed, just try not to get any more steps ahead than the one that's right in front of me. Because honestly I don't know any other way.