Not Yet

Sunday was a pretty hard day for me. Not because I care to have a day where people celebrate me or spoil me, or because I felt left out of a larger group, but because it was a very prominent reminder of what I am NOT, but what I desperately want to be.

Being a mother to me is not about crossing a goal off my life list, doing what everyone else is doing or defining who I am. It's about giving the unconditional/selfless love I have and know I can give to our sweet baby whenever/wherever they are.

Last year on Mother's Day I remember hoping it would be the last one where I woke up without a baby of my own to snuggle. But alas that was not the plan for me this year. And my patience and faith continue to be tested, both in my health struggles and in taking on my most coveted role.

Thank you to those in my life who acknowledged that this weekend was emotional for me. Allowed me to be sad and felt that sadness with me. It means so much to have so much love and support around me. I will never take for granted that so many others don't have this as they walk their dark and lonely paths.

I, of course have hope that on some second Sunday in May, I will be awoken bright and early by my own sweet baby and I will hold them just a little bit tighter, because for me, getting to that moment will have meant so very much.

But when I do get that moment, I will also be thinking of another mother, my baby's birth mother, and how out of her hardest, most life-altering choice, I was given the most precious gift a mother can receive.

I haven't been able to experience Mother's Day from that vantage point, Not Yet anyway...