Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Here's the Thing

I know a number of you have been wondering where I've been lately, anxiously awaiting updates and I'm so thankful for all the support. It humbles me how many of you really are invested in our journey.

The thing is, I've been wanting to post, I have a lot I need to say for myself. But then I have feelings of guilt because the things I need to say aren't pretty. And I don't want people to worry, or think I'm just being so negative and wonder where that cheery Al with the fighting spirit went.

I know that's all so silly, this is my space and being sad, frustrated, etc doesn't mean I'm not still an optomistic person.

But to be quite honest, my spirit has been pretty broken lately and that is very, very hard for me to get on board with on so many fronts.

So I said to my self, "Self, this here blog is for you. And the people that love you want to know the good the bad and the ugly. And if they don't, well then they don't have to read it. You owe it to yourself and your peeps to be completely honest, especially to those suffering chronic illness too so they know they aren't alone."

And here I am, about to lay it out on the line. As usual, I'm not asking for pity just understanding. There really is nothing anyone can do, no more answers right now that I or the hubs can give you, it is what is.

Here it is. I'm SAD, FRUSTRATED, PISSED, LONELY and TIRED of pretty much all the crappy situations. I've cried almost every day for the last month (but I will say the last few days have been better, until today.)

I am NOT accepting very easily the Fibromyalgia diagnosis. I thought for sure once we had some more concrete info, I would feel better mentally. But I don't. Realizing that chronic, wide-spread pain are words that will always be a part of my vocab are hitting me a lot harder than I thought. And I know there are things I can try to help lessen my symptoms, and of course I'm going to do that, but it's always going to be on my scale on some level.

I am now having some "lady part" issues. I have known I had fibroids in my uterus, but they weren't causing a problem until recently. So I went to a new GYN (referred by the fabulous Dr. A) last week. I loved her, but it brought up a lot of sad and hard feelings. I have to have an ultrasound on March 22 to make sure that it is actually fibroids and not something else, and then I will be making some tough decisions on how to treat them. Here are my issues with this:
  • Another ultrasound, this time of my baby-less uterus, not exciting.
  • I may have to decide to have my uterus cauterized to prevent further issues, which will officially close the door on me carrying our own baby (obviously this was already out, but you know it would be official.)
  • We will be meeting with a fertility specialist to talk about extracting eggs just in case we can ever pursue surrogacy.
  • Really, lady part issues to add insult to injury, was that really necessary?
It's just a lot to process, you see. And I have no more information, so when I know something on this front I will share.

Which leads me to the next situation that is bringing me down lately. Adoption. I'm feeling stressed and frustrated by the process. It is what it is, but right now it feels like it's not going to happen (ok, that's dramatic, but it seems like it's not happening any time soon.)

We want it so bad, so so bad! And the lack of control, coupled with all the other feelings we have about my health, etc is just getting to both me and the hubs lately.

And here's where I just get really bratty and stomp my feet at the following situations:
  • Having to clean the toilet multiple times a day and take the energy and time to empty my pouch. Don't get me wrong, I love my KP, but sometimes I just want to be "normal" again.
  • I miss my mommmy! Thankfully she's coming to visit next weekend. Yeah, so I still need my mom, what's it to ya?!
  • I'm tired of hurting all over all the time! My joints are on fire, my neck is sore, my hands get crampy, my abdomen/gas is out of control, nausea, etc. UGH! I need to schedule regular massages, check out some Thai Chi, etc but I don't feel like putting the energy into it. (OK I know that's dumb because it's to help me, but remember I said I was being a brat.)
  • I hate answering the question, "So how are you feeling?" with the answer, "I'm hanging in there." Or the "But you look so good," statement with a strained smile and a, "Thanks." I want to be able to say, "I'm having a great day" or I want to cry and say, "If you only could see the inside, good thing I have the outside looking good."
So there you have it, hope I didn't scare you. We don't need to dissect the lady part issues, they are what they are, and the hubs certainly doesn't want to discuss with anyone in detail;)

Remember these are just my feelings (and some of the hubs too) and all we ask is for you to be understanding. We know you'll continue to love us through it as you have for the last four years. Wow, four years already! Yikes.

Know that I am working on these things, I'm just not bouncing back as quickly as I'm used to. But in my true fashion, I pop out with my positive attitude on these things one or two times a day.

I'm going to try and be better at posting, even when it might not be funny or inspirational. Deal?

And if you are someone that is suffering chronic illness everyday, know that it's ok to have these feelings and to share them. I'm still working on it, but I know it's good to do.


Dean said...

I don't think anyone (at least not me) expects you to be happy and upbeat, you have been through so much, I could not imagine being in pain every single day for years on end.
You are one tough cookie
My sister was recently diagnose with fm, and has been having all kinds of treatments which seem to hop(including giving up glutren and seeing a physiotherapist that specializes in fm).

Ps- sorry about the lady bits, uteruses And associated bits can totally suck, so I can relate there!


Janice said...

Girl...it's ironic that our paths are identical...and crossed for a reason. It just doesn't make any sense and is definitely frustrating and discouraging. You are doing the best you can and that is all anyone expects. You are not alone...we are all here to listen and vent anytime!

The Quick's said...

I really appreciate you writting this post. Its so true that some days you just cant be the cheerful person and people keep asking how you are feeling when you feel like crap! Thanks for posting this, I know I feel guilty whenever I post about how bad I am feeling with the crohns and arthitis and everything else but its our space and I like that. Cheers to you and wishing you lots of brighter days!