Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I Know, I Know

Yes we dropped off the face of the blog Earth this past week. I apologize because I know many of you have been waiting for an update, but I barely just got back on the radar with life at the end of last week and for some reason updating this lovely blog has been a daunting task before me. I have some thoughts on this, maybe I'll share a few.

First, thanks to my fabulous hubby for keeping you all updated pre and post surgical procedure. As if he doesn't have enough on his plate just dealing with crazy ole' me, he lovingly and almost always cleverly updated my peeps! He's the best, I'm quite sure of it. Don't try to argue that point either, I'm a woman on d.rugs and not to be messed with;)

Also want to say thank you to my Mother-in-law, who came down from Nor Cal to care for me Monday - Thursday of last week. We definitely wouldn't have made it through the week as gracefully (If you can really call it that when dealing with poop all day) without her. Plus we got some really good bonding time in too;) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And to my awesome mother who came for the surgery, and then came back this past weekend. She's absolutely the best and I don't know what I'd do without her. She went home yesterday, boo.

So here I am, alone for the first time in two weeks. The reinforcements are gone and that's a good and bad thing. Good because it means we made it through the first rough two weeks following surgery and I'm making progress enough to be on my own. Sad, because well hanging out by yourself all day when you can't go anywhere can me a little maddening.

I've had a very hard time with this recovery. Not because it's been worse or harder than the others, but I really and truly believe it's because I was not in my usual pump-it-up, cheerleader mind set before surgery. I was just too beaten down and tired to get myself there and the best I could was "just show up." Which, as I was reminded was still pretty darn good.

I never, ever want to be considered negative. It's something I work on a lot internally and in therapy. And what I constantly have to remind myself is, that when I think I'm being negative, I'm usually just being realistic. It's just not a space I'm used to when, for the first 27 years of life I was always the glass half full girl, even in rough times. Not to the point of being annoying or blind, but that's my natural tendancy, so when that doesn't happen I get upset or confused.

Anyway, with that said going into this surgery, I just needed to get through it. So although it wasn't as major as some of the previous procedures and the routine was exactly the same for some reason it just felt so different for both me and the hubs.

So the recovery has been very emotional. I was literally holed up for days, even when I got home, not wanting to talk to really anyone. Dealing with the pain was way more annoying. But I'm slowly getting my groove back. I haven't spent too much time thinking about what exactly happened, that darn staple and why it took so long for anyone to figure it out. I'm sure that will come now that I have space by myself.

People keep asking me if I feel better. What I wish people knew was that you don't wake up from abdominal surgery and feel better, it's going to be weeks before I really know. I also keep getting, "Do you think this is really it? Do you feel like they really got it this time?" The answer is, I just don't know. My mind can't go there, I can't get myself psyched up for that. I just have to take it day by day. Be aware of the progress I'm making and go from there.

I'm trying to practice, "extreme self-care" both mentally and physcially, but it's hard. I want to be moving along faster than I am, but I have to remember, it's only been two weeks. Gah, patience is not always my best virtue in the immediate sense.

I did get my external staples out on Friday and that helped a lot. I do think I have a bladder infection which is hindering my overall recovery. Waiting for some blood work to come back today to confirm that.

I go tomorrow for my follow-up with British Surgeon Dude. We'll go from there.

I know I'm all over the place here, forgive me as I'm still a little foggy and crazy. But thankfully for my family the big-time crazy has subsided. They are saints for dealing with me in that state and my goodness I hope they don't have to do that again, ever, or at least for a really long time.

So as usual, we wait. We wait to see progress, we wait to feel better. We wait to make big steps forward. We wait, we wait, we wait. It's what we do, I guess. But hopefully not much longer.

I'll update after my appt, but I won't promise it will be tomorrow. I know, I know bad blogger, you can virtually slap my little wrist.

Love you all for your love and support, keep it coming, you've all been on this journey with me. It feels good to know you will be there when we enter the flow after all these ebbs....

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