Friday, June 4, 2010

Am I Better?

I know this is the question on everyone's mind. It's one I hear multiple times a day. But it's also a very hard question to answer.

Nobody wants the answer to that question to be "YES!" more than me. NOBODY.

Unfortunately it's just not that simple. The current answer to that question is, "I am better than I was when the out-of-no-where flare of May was in full force. I am back to where I was right before that, still very tired, pain over the right hip and a little bit of puss. But definitely manageable."

This answer elicits definite dissapoint in people and although I know the dissapointment is at the situation and not at me, sometimes that's hard to distinguish. I hear a lot of crickets chirping right after the answer, because I know people just don't know what to say. I feel like people don't believe me or can't believe me. Maybe they feel like I've been sick for so long I can't tell or am scared to say when I'm feeling better. Maybe this is all in my head since I over analyze ever single thing in my life. I do a lot of self reflecting and maybe these are my irriational fears for myself. Whatever it is, it's a lot of pressure.

After thinking about all these things I can still say that the above answer is the most accurate for right now. I'm not making this stuff up, trust me I wish I was. I know I look "better." And I am also VERY good at hiding how much pain I'm in and still pushing through. Because quite honestly at this point, it doesn't matter if I do nothing or not, I still feel the same.

So I try to do the things I want within reason, I know I have big limits and I obey them. And when I don't, I make sure to really rest a lot the next day. I'm doing the best I can to live with the situation at hand.

I'm working hard to try and accept that this bit of pain and pus may just be the way it is and I'm actually ok with that because I can still function. It's not ideal, but really what about my entire situation is ideal?

I do however wish there was some sort of bargain I could make -- I'll accept this if the ruler of my body (whoever that is) could guarantee no more abscess ridiculousness. But alas it doesn't work that way.

I'm never going to be better, as in the way I was before all of this. In reality it's going to be ebbs and flows on my own personal "better or not" scale.

So when I'm asked if I'm doing better, please know I'm always trying to answer that question as truthfully as possible even when I know it's not the answer any of us wants to hear. That's hard for me, but I'm also working very hard on realizing that being truthful does not = being negative.

Please don't hesitate to keep asking me, I know and feel how much you all care and it lifts me up when I can't do it myself.

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