Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Sitting Still

I've been struggling lately again with the concept of time. For some reason over the last few days I've felt like I'm in a time warp. Not sure why this is boggling me so much right now. I think it's because some big milestones have come and gone for the people around me -- my brother and sister-in-law's first wedding anniversary, a number of our friend's kid's have had birthdays, even reading about people on the support web boards I follow celebrating births of children, milestones in their health, etc. I'm so happy for all of these wonderful times in their lives, but I just can't grasp that it's already been a year since these things occurred. I think it's because I feel like I'm in exactly the same place so my brain just can't comprehend that's it's already been ONE whole year...weird.

How can that be, how can I not be feeling any better or moving forward with my life? Yes I've been through a lot over the last year and gained a bit more knowledge about my issues but I still have no resolution, no opportunity to make decisions to kick things into gear. It's infuriating and frustrating. I wanted to be looking back at last summer, standing in my brother's wedding and saying wow I was so sick that day, but look at me now. But as seems to be the case, what I want and what happens is not usually in line these days.

I'm still waiting to hear the status of the doctor's appeal for me to see the surgeon in SD. I've also been trying for the last two weeks to make an appointment with the third colo-rectal surgeon in-network (remember I need to get that appt so I can comply with the insurance and also, I'm feeling like this man may also be able to help me in some way, another supporter on my side.) But even that is taking so much time just to schedule something. Just imagine having all the cards you think you need in your hand but not being able to play any of them. That's me!

So for now, I stay in the time warp where I'm frozen, sitting in this situation and everyone else's life is moving right along all around me. I don't begrudge anyone that right, I just want to be doing it too.


Mrs.Newton said...

I wish you were moving forward too! I can relate to how frustrating being in limbo can be and if you just had some sort of a plan or next step, it would be so much easier. We'll keep praying and pushing for that next step to come quickly!! You've had such patience through all of this...they should Saint you! :)

Natalia Ritchie said...

I know it seems like you are sitting still, but you are not. You are moving forward! It all just takes time, and it's the worst thing I know! I feel like that now. Why am I wasting all this time!? Why all the suffering, why all the pain, it seems crazy. And of course it is, but it's par for the course.
I am sorry that you feel this more than ever right now, I have those days too! But it will pass, and things will ocntinue to move. There will be resolution, I promise you, it will come. Be strong, and keep working it out, fighting as you have been. xoxo