Sunday, December 7, 2008

Holiday Goodness and Some Real Feelings

So this weekend was full of ringing in the holiday season. My mom and the hubby worked so hard inside and out to make our first season in our new house absolutely awesome. We got the cutest tree ever (the pic does not do it nearly the justice it deserves), the outside lights look amazing too and I really love sitting here with the lights on just soaking in the Christmas ambiance. There's something about it that can just wash warmth all over you even in the most blue moments.

Speaking of feeling blue, I've been just that lately. I'm really feeling worse than I have in a while (which is bad when I wasn't feeling great to begin with), plus just feeling lots of anxiety about everything. It may be from doing more than I can handle at this point, but that point alone makes me frustrated. You see I haven't been doing anything that a normal person my age would be or for that fact even half of what someone my age should be able to and it shouldn't make me as tired and yucky as it does. I'm tired of being in pain and I want some answers. 

I know the answers are coming and I can't expect things to be 100%, but that does not make me feel better to hear right now. I'm a very logical person but quite honestly when you live in constant pain with no answers for this long, rational and logical sometimes goes out the window. I just want to feel better, I deserve to feel better and be me.

I'm not having a pity party or looking for sympathy, it's actually quite the opposite, I'm just being real and honest with my emotions, after all that was part of the point of starting this blog, right? And it will help me and those around me to be honest. 

But, I'm so thankful for my mom. She pushed me around in a wheelchair* so I could finish my shopping (I can't walk or stand for long without having accidents so the wheelchair allows for prolonged and more enjoyable outings), she pulled all of our decorations down and put them up as I "supervised", baked cookies and just loved me and the hubby! Her visits are the best but now she's gone. And the hubby worked all day yesterday to get the lights up even though he's fighting a cold. I couldn't ask for better care takers in my world. 

So for now I'll just sit here with the twinkle lights and allow myself to feel exactly the way I need to. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully at least an answer to the appointment approval issue. 

*Quite honestly being pushed in a wheelchair, although necessary, is not that great. First off, being super independent and accomplishing things on my own is important to me and second off people stare mostly, I think, because they can't understand why a seemingly fine young woman is in a wheelchair. But I digress.

1 comment:

todd storch said...

I love your mom, she's awesome!