A Christmas Letter

Dear GI Tract,

Seeing how this is the holiday season and a time to write letters to the powers that be to request what you want most for the holidays, I figured that writing directly to the source would be my best bet. (Sadly, I'm pretty sure that there is nothing Santa can do about these requests.)

For Christmas this year, dear GI tract, I would like (no not my two front teeth, those are fine) the following:

1. I would like to be able to walk more than a few yards without it feeling like glass is being passed through my very sore tush. It would be grand if I could walk through a store, say like my favorite place Target, without having so much pain internally and externally in the tush area that it makes me want to vomit.

2. Can you please give me a break from the debilitating and shocking shooting pains. It's not at all attractive when I jump out of my seat because I feel like I've just been goosed, nor is it pretty when I'm walking around in public holding my tush in hopes that the pressure will hold things in and curb the pain.

3. After I eat something I really hope you can grant me a respite from the very uncomfortable pain that washes over my entire abdominal cavity.  

4. Please heal the very painful sores, you know what I'm referring to. They hurt really bad and they make me very, very sad.

Remember dear GI Tract, that I have been a very good girl. I've done everything to make you happy and it seems that it's never enough. I know that I had to get rid of some of you last year, but that was really for the greater good of us all. I will continue to do my part in taking care of you, I'm just asking for the same in return. Even just a slight increase in any of the above would be a wish granted. 

Thank you for reading my letter. I hope you don't punish me for my selfish requests.

Love,

Your faithful owner, Al

P.S. I have no idea why half of this letter is underlined.