Marching

Today was a hard day, a really hard day. I'm still trying to process that it has really been five whole years since my dad passed away.

I've been trying to figure out why this year seems especially hard and sad, more raw like that first year, and I think it's for a number of reasons. One, because five years is a significant amount of time, a milestone, half a decade, and it really hits home how much has happened without him here. Two, I think for me because I'm so weird about numbers and dates, having the dates fall on the actual days of the week they did when he passed has made it near impossible not to let my mind go to the dark place of reliving those days, which I really try not to do because no good comes of it. And three, it just seems again that life is changing so much and not having him here to give us a pep talk or an "everything is going to be all right" hug, stings just a little bit more in these times. The weight of today is very heavy.

Not being with my mom and brother today is gut wrenching, but thankfully over the last week I was able to spend a lot of time with both of them and our sweet niece, Super G. And in those moments, with the hubs there too, all seems peaceful and right. And I'm thankful.

At any rate, I let myself be sad today and miss him like crazy and wish for things that can not be, because I know tomorrow will be another day to do just what he'd want us to. We'll keep marching forward, navigating this life without him, but holding tight to the feeling of having him by our sides.

Read posts from the last three June 11ths here, here and here.